Digital detox.

When clients contact me, it’s to gain control with their work commitments and to sense a better work-life balance. The opening statements state a desire for more exercise, less junk food, remediate a meditation practice and hang out with friends.

During the exploration of how to gain the time, what emerges is the trap of the digital world. A few years ago, I read about the programmers who create these products.

They don’t let their kids near them. This is like the drug pusher who foists his products on everyone but their loved ones knowing full well how addictive they are.

When I ask clients about what they get from being online, there’s a low-grade anxiety associated with I’m not doing enough or I might be needed. When you have your own business, these tap into our identity as professionals and a fear that if we’re not on top of things that we will lose our clients. These are real concerns but the wrong question.

The question to ask isn’t whether to connect but when to connect.

While Zooming with a friend last night, the phone rang. Normally I turn it to aeroplane mode but I forgot. I didn’t recognise the number so I let it go. A text message arrived. While my friend was talking about his world, my body and mind were pulled toward the phone and I thought oh, I’ll just check while he’s chatting and he won’t notice. That was until the message was read with lots of exciting news. So I cut him off and exclaimed about the message.

Busted.

The American psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term Ambiguous Loss to describe the confusion that wives felt when their Vietnam War soldiers went missing in action. These women couldn’t know whether they were married or widows and were unable to grieve for a person who was absent and present concurrently. Later, ambiguous loss included having a loved one with Alzheimer’s as the physical person is there but personality increasingly vanished.

The Belgian relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel asked the audience if, at the beginning of the day, your first touch, gaze and connection went on a device. She then asked if you’re surprised your relationship is lacking spark. Perel says our device usage is a form of ambiguous loss. We know when others are distracted by their phones. Why do we imagine we can get away with it?

A client mentioned going out to dinner a few years ago and saw a couple who appeared on a first date. They spent the evening in silence, scrolling concurrently. It’s similar for parents at a playground, friends at cafes, pretty much everywhere you go.

As a side question, where do you get the space to think? Where’s the downtime to let ideas meander and permeate the mind? There is a pressure to ingest content, and the constant fear of missing out.

My first meditation retreat was in 2003. It was an 8-day Zen silent retreat of sitting and walking. The retreat outlined the 5 ethical precepts

1. to abstain from taking life

2. to abstain from taking what is not given

3. to abstain from sensuous misconduct

4. to abstain from false speech

5. to abstain from intoxicants as tending to cloud the mind

When precept 5 was presented, it referred to smoking, drinking and drugs.

In 2017, it was devices. A 2,600-year tradition has been flipped on its head. The fags, booze and dope were no longer the issues.

What clouds our mind today are the screens – small, medium, large or enormous. In our hands, at our desks, in restaurants, at stations, in cars, when we’re in company, on our own, on the loo, in bed, at dinner, at the playground, at the café. Is there a time when devices aren’t with us?

So here’s my question: When do you not scroll?

In a meeting? During a good conversation? In the park? When you’ve lost the phone? If you’re not always scrolling, there is a choice. Paying attention to when you don’t scroll is the key. The question is where the opportunities lie to turn off the device or to delay engaging with the device.

How would you feel if you turned off the device for an hour?

If you lose your phone for a few hours, how does your body feel?

If the battery runs out and your charger is lost, what’s it like?

What is the thought that runs through your mind when you turn it off?

When you want to check the device, what is the thought just beforehand?

For ideas to reduce the number of times you check email and a story about detoxing for 22 days.

Image credit

Now that you're at the end of this article, ask yourself, What stops me turning off my phone?

Wendy Nash | Kindly Cut The Crap